#23. Life and Choices, or maybe life choices…

Posted: February 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

So this is going to be more of a post about me and what is going thru my head and heart right now.  Nothing overly insightful.

 

So we, me and the person I live with, used to live in Seattle.  We enjoyed it there.  We go back a couple of times a year to see friends.  We actually just got back from being there.  Everything we are there we both feel the pull to be back there.  This past week was no different.  There are times that we ask ourselves, what are we doing?  It isn’t like we hate living in Colorado, but it just isn’t the same.  Most of our closest friends are in Seattle.  It has been difficult in Colorado to make new friends and there are different reasons for that, some of which are our own fault.  Anyhow once again this past week that question was floating around in our heads, what should we do?  I wish it was as simple as, pick up and move and start over.  Life just is never that simple.

The problems and questions that face us, or maybe it is more me are as follows.

– Will I be able to find a job like I have now?  Not really in what I am doing, but that is going to at least provide the money that we would need it to provide.  I am kind of an oddity in that I have worked for the same company for around 15 years.  They have been good to me.  Very generous.  It is a bit well scary to think about having to start over, and that is what I am kind of afraid I would need to do.

– Will it be the same?  It is strange with this question because we just spent four days there and it was great, but we were on vacation.  It wasn’t real life.  I mean we were really there and living, but you know what I mean.  We get back and I have the feeling of oh it is nice to be back here too.  Like I said, it doesn’t suck here.   Just might not enjoy it as much.  So I wonder, if we go back will it be the same as it was when we were there before?  Is it possible for it to be the same?  I am not sure it is.  Doesn’t mean it wont be good, but it wont be the same.

– Here is kind of a biggie.  My family lives here in Colorado and normally that wouldn’t be a huge deal.  I love them, but it wasn’t bad being away from them for 8 years as well.  The bigger issue is my dad.  My dad has MS.  Has for 30 years.  Over the past ten years or so it has gotten worse.  He will 66 this year and I am not sure he will be walking by the time he is 70.  Actually I am pretty sure he wont be.  So where is my obligation in that?  He would say none.  But I am not sure that is the case.  There are others around to help, but those that know me know my guilt meter might go off the charts.  This one hangs large with me, sorry Christine but it does.

–  Did I mention the job thing?

–  Knowing that our lifestyle will be very different.  In Colorado we have a house.  Not sure we would be able to afford one in Seattle.  Money goes a bit further in Colorado than Seattle.  These are things that float around in my noodle.

Writing this it even feels like everything is in Colorado’s favor, but some of the people I care most for in the world are in Seattle.  Some of my closest friends are in Seattle.  I feel better as a person when I am in Seattle.  But then I think about my dad.  He is my dad!!  That is a pull.

This is just more proof that life isn’t easy.  It is mostly fun, but it isn’t always fun.  Someone once told me this.  The top of mountains are beautiful.  You can see forever and you are on top of the world, but nothing grows up there.   Just rocks.  Very little life.    All of the growth is in the valleys.  I feel like I am in a valley right now.  Not sure I should, but that is how I feel.  Hopefully there is some good growth done.

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